One of a parent’s most pressing concerns: How do I keep up with the twists and turns in my toddler’s emotional development? Tips on taking your child’s many new behaviours in stride.
Being the Mom to a busy toddler can be a roller-coaster experience, to say the least. It’s one thing to watch your once-dependent and cooing baby grow to become a motivated and independent chatterbox. But the mood swings, sudden clinginess, and surprisingly stubborn behaviours that may come along as well can leave even the most experienced parent feeling perplexed. One minute your little cherub is a sweet bundle of joy, cuddling on your lap and giggling. The next, your child lets out an angry “No!” – when all you did was suggest lunch. How do you go about pleasing your toddler – and how do you make sure you’re raising a happy and well-behaved child? The answers, fortunately, are easier than they seem – most involve a variation on the old parenting adages, “Love your child” and “Trust your instincts.”
When “No” Is a Favourite Word
It comes as a shock to new parents everywhere: The first time your toddler says “No!” you may find yourself laughing out of surprise. “What was that?” you might say. “No!” your toddler repeats, delighted with the ability to cause a fuss. And there’s the key: Your toddler is probably not saying that short but un-sweet word out of a feeling of negativity or meanness, but simply to demonstrate independence. In fact, toddlers may say “no” when really they mean “yes,” because the impulse to distinguish themselves from parents and the parental agenda is just too strong. Instead of being merely an extension of you, as your toddler was as a baby, your little one now has independent thoughts and desires, and wants to demonstrate that to you. “Look, Ma,” your toddler is saying. “I can make up my own mind! I want my own things!” It is an entirely healthy and expected phase for your child to go through, and is not a reflection on you in any way. If your toddler never refused you, in fact, that would be cause for concern: You want your child to feel comfortable enough around you to test your limits.
But although that level of comfort is a good sign, the habit can quickly start to drain parental energies. Your toddler is also testing your authority and trying out the ability to strike out independently, which clearly is still premature: A toddler still needs you to set rules, to rein in certain habits, and to be the person in charge. But you won’t be the only one to hear the dreaded word; babysitters, grandparents, siblings, and playmates will all be targeted, too.
So what can you do to soften the blow of all of those “no”s? One way to limit your toddler’s use of the word is to provide fewer opportunities for it to come up. Instead of asking, “Do you want to wear your jacket today?” simply say, “Today is a good jacket day. Which one do you want to wear?” That kind of question re-frames the issue, making it difficult for your child to sneak a “no” in there. Offering choices is often a good idea, but only do so when there is actually a choice to be made. In the case of the jacket, for example, you shouldn’t present it as an option – your toddler is going to wear a jacket today, because it is too chilly not to. The end. There’s no need to be bossy about it, but you can present it as a simple reality.
And while it may be tempting, try not to laugh or lose your temper when your child says “no,” even if you hear it repeated again, and again, and again... While it’s a good idea to keep a sense of humour about your toddler’s sometimes goofy behaviour, laughing both unfairly dismisses your toddler’s seriousness and creates a fuss when there shouldn’t be one. And becoming angry will only make matters worse. Respecting your toddler’s right to say “no” is one way of demonstrating your own adulthood; you have to explain that you understand how strongly your toddler feels about the issue, but sometimes you’ll have to be in charge, even if there’s disagreement.
Discipline 101
But what happens when a child does get out of hand, and you have to put your foot down? This response could come from any number of child behaviours: throwing a tantrum, refusing to get in the car, hurting you or another child, or doing anything that you have expressly forbidden. But what is the right response when your child is still so young?
The key is to set limits early. Your child should expect you to have a firm but loving presence as a parent. Reasonable limits actually make your child feel more secure and loved – not punished, or ruled over by a mean, uncaring parent. Toddlers are not able to set fair limits for themselves, and they need to know that you are there to do so for them. Even when they knowingly break the rules, they still want to know what is expected of them, especially in this very exciting and uncertain stage of their development.
Too many rules, however, can make children feel constantly punished and unable to express themselves. The rules should make sense, and they should take into account your particular child’s personality. “Because I say so,” for example, is not a good explanation, for any child. And if you know that your toddler tends to be shy, it’s a good idea to go easy when you see your child become overly rambunctious in a play group.
When it is time to use the “no” word yourself, it’s important to keep a few things in mind: First, use it when you mean it. By constantly telling your child “no,” or not to do things, you might be inadvertently stifling your child. Try to eliminate potential conflicts (put the box of chocolates out of reach as soon as you receive them), instead of waiting until you see your child approach the conflict (and then snatching the box out of your toddler’s hands). Staying positive (“Please keep your dolls in the box”) will be more effective than introducing a negative thought (“I don’t want to see these dolls spread all over the living room floor”). Explaining your rules will also help, and will demonstrate that you respect your toddler. And lastly, keep calm as you discipline, instead of giving into anger or begging your child to stop – your discipline will be much more credible that way.
Separation Anxiety
Being apart from Mom and Dad is another challenge for toddlers, and one that is likely to persist for a few years. While the most common example of this anxiety is when parents leave children (at daycare, or with a babysitter), you will confront it in many more everyday occurrences. Your child may whine and cry every time you leave the room, or pull you by your clothing and beg to be lifted into your arms.
The irony is that you have been watching your child become more independent and capable, yet now your little one seems more dependent than ever. That these two things happen almost at once is not a coincidence; children need reassurance that even though they’re making strides, their parents are still their caretakers. They become a bit frightened by their own successes, and then disappointed by their failures. It’s a time fraught with change, and that change can be overwhelming at times.
Another emotional development leading to toddlers’ clinging is their belief that they are the centre of the universe, and that things should happen only if and when they want them to. It’s important for a child’s sense of self-confidence to go through this “me”-focused stage. But it can make for an ornery and unpredictable toddler; one minute, a toddler will refuse to sit with you, and the next will cry to be held. Your toddler’s reaction to your absence can all depend on who initiated the leaving: you, or your child.
How can you help diminish the anxiety in your separation? One, reassure your toddler about your return. Some children believe that when you aren’t visible, that means that you’re gone for good. Playing hiding games (such as peek-a-boo) will help to alleviate this; or, if you’re in the next room, let your child hear your voice. Children are often reassured by any sign that you’re still there and paying attention to them. Two, get your child occupied with something while you’re nearby but busy, such as a favourite toy or crayons and paper. And three, make sure your attitude stays light and cheerful about your departure, even if your child is crying; you don’t want to reinforce the message that there’s anything wrong with you leaving. Say “I love you,” as you walk out the door, not “I’ll miss you.”
But the most important thing to remember about separation anxiety is that you should make the most of the time you do spend together. The more comfortable and confident your toddler feels about your loving presence, the stronger your child will feel when you leave.
Soothing Techniques
Comforting a crying or upset toddler is in some ways easier than when your child was just a baby; now, at least, you’ll have some idea of what is wrong, and will be able to address the individual reason for the sadness. Sometimes just a quick kiss and hug make everything all better, but here are some tips for when that doesn’t do the trick:
• Offer comfort no matter what kind of behaviour your toddler just displayed. Your toddler needs all the unconditional love you can give, so don’t shirk it off just because you’ve been witness to some misbehaving.
• As your toddler begins to talk, it’s a good idea to encourage a conversation about the problem. Speaking about a problem can be good for children, as well as adults.
• Stay calm. If you see your toddler tumble and fall, a helpful reaction would be something like, “Oopsie, you fell. Let’s get back up. You’re okay!” instead of a reaction that would scare your child, such as, “Oh no! My poor baby!”
• Don’t minimize the problem, either. When toddlers do fall, their parents shouldn’t make them feel as if their pain is either unimportant or unimpressive.
• Take your toddler’s feelings into account when you do react.
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